The ritual of dating appears to have evolved into a parody of foolish do's and don'ts. However, I have been on a few dates and certain things can definitely kill a date off faster than bleach kills bacteria. So here is a list of common date killers. I can personally attest to the effectiveness of some of them.
1. Madame Picksalot: Nothing induces the turn off mechanism more than an individual who is unreasonably picky about activities or food on a date. I once went on a date with a girl who ordered a burger, then proceeded to surgically strip it apart till just a naked burger patty remained. I asked her why she just didn't just order a steak? Fact is, a person like that will likely pick YOU apart soon enough.
2. Damsel and Depressed: Not that people don't want to hear your issues, problems and challenges, but for heavens sake just not on a first date! The reason is simple, people don't really care enough at that stage. Baring your soul on a first date is equivalent to listening to a homeless beggar's life story that you just met the street. So if you ignore my advice and choose to bare your life story on a first date you may as well go flat out and bring a cup and beg your date for spare change.
3. Mr and Mrs late: Unless you are African or Black there is really no good reason for you to fail to arrive on time for a date. It comes across as a lack of enthusiasm as well as a lack of respect for your date. It is also nerve racking for the person waiting because there is always the thought that they may get stood up dwelling in the back of their mind. Alone, in a room with people watching, nervous anticipation. That sounds remarkably like awaiting execution sitting in an electric chair.
4. Enough about me let's talk about ME: Guys there is nothing that's more of a turn off than talking about yourself all night. Most females will agree that this can become rather annoying. This is because you are denying them the opportunity to talk about themselves all night. There is a balance. Women use up to 20000 words per day and while men use approximately 7000. So don't upset the balance by yapping nonsense continuously like a republican radio talk show host.
5. Why let facts get in the way of a good story: It is tempting to lie about yourself because you want to look understanding, funny, easy going, compassionate, chill and the rest of the more favorable traits. However anything you hide will slowly be unraveled in time. So if you think killing animals and burying them in your garden is a fun activity, you’d best convey that information up front. After all, even a potential serial killer can find love.
6. Beer muscles! Of course you may be nervous and a calming drink before hand may help. However to have an 18 pack of Milwaukee's Best and 9 shots of Jack Daniels whiskey is unacceptable! The drunken asshole has poor control of their behavior. It's also a disingenuous representation of oneself and slightly cowardly. Unless you found out an hour before that your date was in fact “Swamp Thing”, there one million good reasons to be sober and sharp witted.
7. Casanova: I believe looking at the opposite sex is a natural human behavior pattern so my advice in this case is “JUST DON’T GET CAUGHT!”! Ladies, you have cleavage and other assets to distract a man while you take a quick peak at Dr McDreamy. Guys, you will have to show more guile and create some kind of diversion to momentarily distract her. You can try screaming out, “Oh my God it's David Hasselhof!!!! [take a quick peak] false alarm sorry!”)
8. The g-chatterbox: There is really no need to be on g-chat, text, aim or any one of those variants during a date. People have forgotten that it's actually rude to excessively text a bunch of people while you are socially interacting. It's like having a third person in the room and one of you is whispering back and forth with them. So tell your BFF that AAR8 you are NF2T ATM so B4N and you will BRB in a minute HAK.
9. The Spare Wheel: I actually think that I may question the sanity of the friend that actually agrees to do this. The original idea is foolish, but the friend must actually approve of the idea and physically follow through. What do they intend to do? Take their place if all goes array? Jump up and club the date over the head if they speak out of turn? If you are that uncomfortable, don't go on the date or perhaps have the friend spy from a distance like a secret shopper, which is juvenile but marginally better.
10. Raised by Wolves! Eat in a calm dignified manner, not as if you were raised by a pack of wolves. This is especially true if you are of African decent like I am. If you eat as if you are starving, that is instant validation of the assumption that we have no food in Africa or that this is the first time you are partaking of such a meal. Your date may adopt a “Save an African Child” approach and donate 80 cents a day to ensure that you have food and a place to sleep.
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